I’m Back

It takes hours and hours of boredom
and a casual scroll through tumblr
to remind me that I am a poet!
I have not written a word in months,
possibly years
sometimes starting a poem in my head
and not liking how it sounds
backspacing in my mind
to the beginning until there’s nothing left
and the image of my future poem is
blank again
left with nothing
without even restarting
except in loneliness,
or in a quiet moment of recollection
I remember again to type my poem
in my head
and the cycle continues
write, erase, delete
write, erase, de…
And yet somehow here I am
putting the dismembered pieces back together
nothing like the original
partially probably maybe definitely
how it was supposed to be
my insidious brain tricking me
into thinking that I have any control
over how any of this ever
turns out–

Only Had

You told me to read this
when I have time
a lot of time
it’s really long
and with that I knew
I had to
right now–
And so the writer tells us
of a time
in which he lost consciousness
after being pummeled during a football
game
for what seemed like many, many years.
He married, had children
and played with them often
loved them always.
There was a lamp he discussed
that he looked at from
time to time
and as time passed
the lamp began to take a new shape
look a little off
not seem to be right–
Until eventually
one day
the lamp
and its base
completely took on a new form
and here he was
again
lying
on the ground
no wife
no children
no sweet faces to kiss goodnight
and so
he was depressed
for 3 whole
years
realizing
then
that there is More
to this life
and others
we think we might
be living
just one
disconnect
and you lose
gain
all that you
thought
you
truly
only

had–

death

you texted so many times
complaining that you hadn’t heard
from your next door neighbor for days
I awoke to 77 or so texts between you
and our other sister
the worry in your voice
breaking through the tiny words on the screen
I told you to just
fucking call the cops
when it comes to things like that
there’s never time to worry
just time to act
and today
you told us
again
through text
that your neighbor is dead
Your fiancé
found him in a puddle of his
own vomit.
He had either overdosed
or just got sick
while he was
detoxing
41 years old
wife just left him.
he checked in
and checked out
of a rehab.
didn’t like its structure.
wanted to do things his way.
what was he thinking in his
last
final
moments
hovering over the bathroom sink
or maybe
falling in slow motion
onto the bathroom floor?
I hope that last sight or smell was somewhat
pleasurable
maybe that time you got a balloon
when you were 5 years old
flashed before you
or maybe it was one last final waft of
grandma’s cheesecake
before you hit the ground
before you took one
last
final
earthly
breath–

This night, tonight

What does it mean to have distinction
to have a unique and throbbing heart
a siren for all the world to see?
a mysterious cloak though,
hides your eyes
they wonder what you’re for
and what you mean
you make them question their
own existence
and if everything they’ve ever thought was real
is not–
the baby cries
it’s time for dusk
a bath
a quiet
silent
rush–
what do you want
for yourself this night
this night
is mine
this night
to
night–

Try

The hormones
completely out of whack
swinging from one mood
to the next
I’m definitely swaying this way
I think
and then twenty minutes later
so close to the other–
What do I truly believe
I want to know
and how much of this is just
THAT
the weaning process never
spoken about
never acknowledged on the news
never covered in circles
unless you’re a mom
among other moms
and then it’s still such
a shameful act
we don’t talk
we just suffer in silence
behind closed doors
with signs that say:
DO NOT ENTER
both physically and
yet emotionally it is
the hardest damn pill to
swallow
And still I’m expected to go work
to perform
to pretend to care
to teach
Rascals
and rats
who I forget are someone else’s
children too–
And when I do remember that they
belong to you
I’m fearful that might happen to me
and us
and why and how
could it happen?
Will it happen?
Only time will tell–
And in the meantime I
pray to you
Dear Lord
to give me strength
to show me what to do
to remind me to have faith in you
that this challenge is just another lesson
and I can really make it if I try
Try
Try
Try

Empty Sink

Why am
I afraid to write
The thing that kept me sane
for so long
For
Months
Even years
you stood by me
Words
Dripping so fast
The
Faucet
To
Time
Filling up the sink
My soul
Like raindrops
To grow–

Presents

the voices in your head
they said
they said
that the whispering you heard
was about you
instead it was just
a small fraction of the universe
giving birth to itself
again and
again and
again
except you weren’t evolved enough
yet
to accept 
its 
pre
sence–

It felt like–

Tactile movies
slipping under my skin
reminding me of the dirty
streets
and uneven pavement
lonely basements
full of
lonely people
searching for “an angry fix”
looking for someone to fill the hole
unknowingly speaking with the universe
her gift to creator
was anguish and pain
if only someone could make that void
disappear
she might have been able to
move on with her life–
Instead
for now
oceans will cleanse
dark waves
will wash
away
your
teenage
sorrow–

Back to Work

I will miss you so much
I’m trying not to think about that right now–

Trapped

Trapped in this
four block radius
I want to see what lies beyond
I want to take you there
so you can see–