Waiting

Waiting for you to come
it’s been 9 months
but in this moment
it feels longer than a lifetime
like many of them
all bunched up
a slinky in a box
waiting to expand
and when you do
it will be like
another universe
unfolding
tiny and large
all at the same time
like the spindle that
ran ceaselessly in my head
at 6 years old
forcing me to
sleep with my mother
making her worry
if her child was alright
or if anyone would ever
sleep soundly
again–

You

You are probably
the 3rd person to suggest, no-
FORCE the idea into my existence that
this is what my new life will be
a life you don’t have much to do with
except through your looking glass
the life you are not growing at all.
it’s not your body
it’s not your place to say
I would assume
you know much better than this
3 ladies
one
two
three–
what gives you the right to
even think
you can think
about what goes inside the womb
this womb
that does not belong to you?
having dreams
solving mysteries
predicting
as if it’s all some fun, early evening
game show…?
I’d like to be left alone
the quietude of my tan blanket
and new sheets
warmth of the surrounding material
encapsulating my skinny bones
my threadbare arms
my naked feet
waiting for the gift to come
some silence
and then
you–

3 cm Draft (poem from June 9th)

3 cm
Rushes
Pain
No.
Pleasure
Breathe
In
Out–

4:43 am

I just read your birth story
full of lush breathing, warm female hands
heavy whispers, and plastic sheets
trickling water and ancient hymns

I want to be there too
I will be there too–

9 Days

Can’t sleep, the air stagnant
even with a breeze from the fan,
I find myself suffering, breathing
heavily, whining like a tiny horse
who hasn’t got the urge to get up and
move across a prairie full of yellow flowers–

Motherhood

You’ve been waiting for this moment your entire life
dying slowly in the darkness
the morning light too bright for curtains
we hung up black sheets to block out
the rising sun
how many days and nights had passed
we never knew
just ripping out the damaged innards
to fill the void with something else:
pain, suffering, hollow denial
my eyes closed
eyelids drooped
Dropped
Fuzzy haze
Missed appointments
Wax candles
and nothing else
and yet
a glimmer of hope was there
behind that same curtain
Yes
Inside of me
Buried deep within
Beyond the void
we knew there was a different way
on that faint horizon
where
and when
we didn’t know either
or if ever
really
Yet time after time
in cold or soiled sheets
and sleepless nights
another go around
utter disillusionment
wickedly masked as pure
joy
white knuckle after
hard white knuckle
I somehow find myself
on the other side of the green
universe
not questioning how I got here
instead calling
on the ancient masters
and asking for
another bit of help
not in the same way I
asked for relief before
but in complete surrender
and humility to guide me to a new birth
and a new dawn
a new life
in what way
can I ever repay
you and thank
you for
this
awesome
gift
of
motherhood?

 

Ocean Dream

i want to wade in
a shallow pool of
water with you

in last night’s dream
your head bobbed up
and down in the heavy ocean
dirty water
i was scared to have you
slip underneath
but your innocent smile
proved my fears wrong
as I took you to the shore
and dried off your clothes–

Worship Your Name

Passing the spiritual baton to you
I felt like I had somehow lost my purpose
the leader
the one who knew
the girl who had been there done that
ego filling up this heart space
forcing myself to
realize over and over again
that my new role
the one that will take me to places
I’ve never imagined
is the role of the mother
who cares, nurtures, consoles, loves
the small
the weak
the fragile
the strong
Tames the inner beast
who quenches all kinds of internal
and external thirsts
A part of me knows it’s
not my first
I know somewhere, someplace within me
how to dispel the darkness’s tries
I can do it with one confident wink of an eye
My ancestors danced on graves and made
men come alive
with their sorrow, and sadness,
and love of french fries–
The woman, the mother, the goddess
the wave
of eternal birth
I worship your name–

Vision Quest 2014

As I was walking down the path
of wet green grass,
I suddenly heard my mother call my name.

“Kathy!”
and I stopped dead in my tracks
Ringing
Again–
“Kathy!”

I felt a sudden fear
that she was here

Quivering tears falling quickly
down my face
Hands covering eyes
Hot blood rushing up–
The same voice my mother used
many years ago in another dream
Smoked that dust and found myself
in an imaginary, but very lucid hospital
“hearing” my mother call my name
yet all the while I was lying in your bed
when coming to–

And this time
when I realized the echo of my name
was not real,
and was,
in fact,
another hallucination,
or rather
this year’s Vision for me
here at our last Vision Quest,
as I will soon become a mother
myself–
My mother’s call
connecting me
chaining me
bridging me to her and me to mine
and in this understanding the Universe delivered
and I accepted fully that
everything’s fine–

Opening Up

I know the universe is
opening up
as my womb gradually
opens up
The inside of my skin
slippery to the metaphysical
touch
An infinite guilt trip that’s never enough
A changing body preparing for birth
symbolizes my connection to Mother Earth
I’m slowly surrendering to the drowning of my ego
Letting go of self
Accepting this new being as an extension of myself
Watching the night tides wash ashore
as my semi circle half moon descends
into the depths of the silver-blue ocean–