Motherhood

You’ve been waiting for this moment your entire life
dying slowly in the darkness
the morning light too bright for curtains
we hung up black sheets to block out
the rising sun
how many days and nights had passed
we never knew
just ripping out the damaged innards
to fill the void with something else:
pain, suffering, hollow denial
my eyes closed
eyelids drooped
Dropped
Fuzzy haze
Missed appointments
Wax candles
and nothing else
and yet
a glimmer of hope was there
behind that same curtain
Yes
Inside of me
Buried deep within
Beyond the void
we knew there was a different way
on that faint horizon
where
and when
we didn’t know either
or if ever
really
Yet time after time
in cold or soiled sheets
and sleepless nights
another go around
utter disillusionment
wickedly masked as pure
joy
white knuckle after
hard white knuckle
I somehow find myself
on the other side of the green
universe
not questioning how I got here
instead calling
on the ancient masters
and asking for
another bit of help
not in the same way I
asked for relief before
but in complete surrender
and humility to guide me to a new birth
and a new dawn
a new life
in what way
can I ever repay
you and thank
you for
this
awesome
gift
of
motherhood?

 

Vision Quest 2014

As I was walking down the path
of wet green grass,
I suddenly heard my mother call my name.

“Kathy!”
and I stopped dead in my tracks
Ringing
Again–
“Kathy!”

I felt a sudden fear
that she was here

Quivering tears falling quickly
down my face
Hands covering eyes
Hot blood rushing up–
The same voice my mother used
many years ago in another dream
Smoked that dust and found myself
in an imaginary, but very lucid hospital
“hearing” my mother call my name
yet all the while I was lying in your bed
when coming to–

And this time
when I realized the echo of my name
was not real,
and was,
in fact,
another hallucination,
or rather
this year’s Vision for me
here at our last Vision Quest,
as I will soon become a mother
myself–
My mother’s call
connecting me
chaining me
bridging me to her and me to mine
and in this understanding the Universe delivered
and I accepted fully that
everything’s fine–

Go Away

I hate that you’re going out
the way he talks
in this almost complete living room
makes me feel like we’ve done so much work
and he has not
I hear the drugs in his voice
even if he’s not high
some past life creeping in
some desire to hold on to who we were
I certainly don’t want ANY of that
and yet I sense a sense of IT
Is it fear
is it lack of faith
is it your fucking annoying ass voice
that makes me cringe
Very soon
after this poem
I will go to bed
and hopefully I will be able to drift off into a beautiful
and soft sleep
a soothing slumberland
where your laugh doesn’t make me
want to pull my hair out
and I love everything and everyone
dare I say it
even you–

Flashback

You prick my arms
one, two, three times
No, four times in total
over three hours.
After the first one
I find myself
squirming in the
green chair in the
small room with
no air.
I can’t get comfortable–
I put my head down on
the arm rest next to me
my feet up on the chair
in front of me
my winter jacket draped
across my chest, my infinity
scarf wrapped around my
neck–
I’m hot! I take it all off
How many more hours?
I keep checking my phone
No service
No magazines
I don’t like my book
The news is on repeat–
What is this madness
Purgatory
I hate everyone and everything
and I realize no, this is not working
So, I begin to pray
“Please God, take this away…”
and I remember to
surrender and almost
immediately the pain is lifted
and I feel a sense of calm
a feeling of serenity
I almost enjoy being there
As the hours pass they become quicker
I like reading my book
and now all blood is drawn
I’m done
and I can go home–

We Remember

We remembered your red nose
your itchy face
your chapped hands
scratching each and every part of
Yourself
while intermittently nodding out
nodding off into we know where
We’ve been there before
A place we thought was safe
and warm
and close enough to what we
thought was home
But I know now
and have for quite some time
that these four walls
His loving gaze
These unpacked boxes
Breakfast in the early morning made
Two running cats
and the red sunrise’s haze
a big round belly
instead of two small blues
That I’ve come a long way from you
and created a real home
and that’s not to say I don’t sympathize
or empathize
but I’ve learned not to
pathologize this disease
This dis-ease
and let it be
let God find his way into
your heart
and then
only then
will I know we have
started–

The Process

Remembering that this is a process
not an event
The mind
a dark and cavernous
Eastern European
alleyway
with potential for light
and space for dark
Both equally as important as the next
including the fog
and when it is all lifted
and birds can be heard chirping
that does not mean I have arrived, it just means
I need to keep coming back
around the long and looping bend–

Before the Show, Valentine’s Day Part I

Too busy
untangling wires
charging phones
eating noodles
savoring broth
walking miles
on city blocks
jumping curbs
wistfully sloshing
through muddy puddles

I missed the neon full moon in Leo
I wonder what those stars would have said to me
if I had just stopped and listened….

One More Day

Hindu mantras play by my side
I don’t know the meaning of the
Words
But something in my soul does.
I’ve sat here in this same spot
Time after rotten time
Praying to a god a fox hole prayer
I only believed in
In times of dire need
Life or death
Truth or dare
We played these stupid games
Knowing full well
That we’d meet death there
In the bathtub, on the floor,
Under the bed.
I ran the water so many times, in the
Shower, gasping for air, my heart
A second away from exploding
From too much pain and suffering–
And quite frankly–
Too much cocaine.
They say the most enlightened ones
Have known just as much darkness
As light–
And thus our need to spread
The latter–
And here I am again to say
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
For showing me both
For leading me on this path
For giving me the strength to
Carry on just one more day
And another and another to
This fruitful
Fruition
Of mother
Of father
And child
Where we speak our own language
The language of love and forgiveness
To start all over
And do things right
Again.

TDK 90

Missing puzzle pieces
but they all FIT back then
and somehow we thought
they didn’t–

Memories cascading
down the back of my brain
adolescent dreams swarm up
and then a phone call–

I see us on playground
park benches smoking
cigarettes and eating chips,
chips I’ve ended up loving

for years, dreams I wish I
had seen come true, bathtubs
full of and overflowing water
cocaine on mirrors we did not

want to get wet and yet I
would not trade it for the
world, for all the missing
puzzle pieces, I want none of

it because they never were
missing, not missing then, not
missing now, just my jaded
and upside down perception

of a perfectly perfect imperfect
world with scars and bandaids
and tissue galore, the tape needs
to be turned over. I think I’ve

heard this song before…

 

 

Wake Me Up

Like a plastic bag
over my head
wake me up
when this is
over