For you

Week after week
I would come through those
gray doors
It didn’t matter what day or time
it was
It was always unlocked
Cracked just a little bit
The stale hallway
leading to a stale apartment
Warm yellow light
and muffled voices
that became louder as I made my
way into the humid
and sometimes
dank
kitchen
The same faces
week after week
month after month
Year after terrible year
Our eyes would rarely meet
Money would still exchange
Drugs would change
People would come
And go
The black couch and the pain
would remain, though, the same
I remember one of the many times
we shuffled out in our
Substance induced oblivion
and swing on the swings in
Satellite park
Empty but for us two fools
young and reckless
and completely carefree
The sun shining down on our
tepid bodies
Our skinny faces
Roaming the Brooklyn streets
as the day and its events would
leisurely pass us by
How I do not long for those
veiled days
anymore
They are but a distant mark
on a lonely and dark past
I have rid the shackles mostly
I hope you can someday too
at least for your two children
if not
For you–

Til I’m done

How can I get the urge
The desire to write
To put down all the pain
And joy
And sometimes
Mostly suffering
On the bright white
How to churn up that feeling
How to nick it
Kick it in its guts
To draw blood
To drip drop
To call someone my love
The acrylic the oil
The memories all but gone
How I long to see you hanging
How much longer
Til I’m done?

Defeated beast

How many times can I type
that the eye lids closed
as the jaw is closed
shut so tight
the teeth clenched
I cannot get rid of you
Dear memory
Sad father
Angry children
What is it about me
My personality
That makes you think that this is okay?
I fight back the tears in class.
I’m sorry that I even considered
that streams could be okay in
this moment
but sometimes in this moment
this moment
I know nothing but the disgusting moment–
So I wait and wait for it to wash away
The tears so slowly
Drip
Drip
Drip
Twice today
No one
Not you
Not them
Saw me suffering
in silence
Lonely hunter
Quiet child
Defeated
sordid
beast–

The eyes

The eyes glaze
as I fight to answer one last question.
The poems
I analyze remind me of my childhood.
I am whisked away by memories
fraught with pain
Awkward first kisses and
Front teeth knocking
I remember
Running home
to escape the pain
Ducking behind
French windows
Hallucinating just
a little bit
Today,
the next day,
into
forever and still
I wish somehow
I would just let it
all
go–

Closing Eyes

They say the only time is now
The past pointless
That day is gone
That sun don’t shine now
or does it?