The robbing fingers

You inspired me once 

Please inspire me again 

Show me how to shut the off button 

And press the on to inside

Inside my soul

Inside my mind

To a place I fail to rewind to.

Lately I’ve been having these flashes 

Of people, places and things-

They come ever so often

Popping in my mind these unwelcome guests

The fingers unwelcome guests in my four year old vagina 

Watching cartoons while my mom and uncle talked at the kitchen table

How could you not notice that something 

Wasn’t right?

That I was being taken advantage of?

To put it more clearly-

That I was being molested by a family member?

His face I can’t recall

How old he was

What was his name…?

In my mind’s eye 

I feel a larger body spooning behind me

A being that knows what he’s doing is sinister and wrong

But some unsatiated animal and its hunger takes hold of his decision to choose right instead 

Robbing me of everything I had- eveything I could ever be- in that moment

Cheating me of any purity

Any innocence 

Any sense or chance of a “normal”

Childhood 

And I always wonder 

As I wonder now 

how and when will any of that be rectified? 

When do I get any of that freedom or joy back?

The place my soul was before the prying fingers 

The robbing fingers 

Took it all away–

Traveling lens

See the world through my eyes 

She said 

Or walk a mile in my shoes

The idioms all the same

Cliches 

For what you would find is

That my world is quite like yours 

And so is the walk 

Long and arduous 

Room for growth 

And still more room for peace 

Wishing things away so I can focus on me 

But as the divine just intuited to me 

As it probably has been for days

Weeks

Months 

And probably years 

Inspiration comes from everywhere

You just have to do the damn work–

I choose love

wandering the streets of NYC
I have a plan
to not have a plan
I slowly float over tiny brown puddles
waiting for you to get out of my way
sorry that was mean
I mean, I’m letting you pass first
stuck in between a black wrought iron fence
and a tiny yellow dandelion
I choose love
Yes,
I choose love–

Beach Ball

Listening to you
repeat every word I say
like it’s all new
it is new
it’s so
so
so very new to you
you pick up a piece and say red
it’s yellow
you pick up another piece
it’s yellow
you say yellow
the claymation on the screen
as I type this
says
“koo koo”
it’s Russian for
peek a boo
I didn’t understand why
until I heard you repeat it
(so much easier for babies)
and here we are
day after day
week after week
month after month
nearing the 2 year mark
and you are everything I hoped for
everything I dreamed of
more than I could have imagined
as we awaken another morning
rest unto another night
looking forward with glistening eyes
thanking the Lord
for another day here
to live in peace
and as much harmony
as my small mind
commands
as I will allow myself to feel
on this little
round
blue ball
called
Earth–

 

How much I

Waiting for daddy to arrive 

Mommy lays on the bed on her finally flat tummy 

Leaning against its edge

We realize that it’s times like these 

Time upon time 

Minute upon minute 

And endless scrolling 

Meaningless life wasters 

That bring me back to the written word 

The page

Although still a screen 

It is still an empty tablet 

Tableau 

To draw me in to the inner child

A reflection of my reflection 

of us

of who you and I will together forever be 

A oneness with the ever expansive universe

That I never saw coming 

As simple as washing the dirty dishes 

As complex as trying to figure out why I’m exactly here 

And still just as easy as that 

A metaphor often used 

To describe how much 

I really 

really 

love 

you–

Speaking your purple and pink language

Speaking your purple and pink language

The words roll off your tongue like bubbles

Popping to the sound of your own melody 

Matching the bazooka Joe music of the radio 

Sound waves 

Collapsing 

Into me 

Into you 

As you stroll the Invisble 

Baby 

Across the room 

We are waiting for you 

To arrive 

One year 

In the future

Will you come? 

We wonder–

Only Had

You told me to read this
when I have time
a lot of time
it’s really long
and with that I knew
I had to
right now–
And so the writer tells us
of a time
in which he lost consciousness
after being pummeled during a football
game
for what seemed like many, many years.
He married, had children
and played with them often
loved them always.
There was a lamp he discussed
that he looked at from
time to time
and as time passed
the lamp began to take a new shape
look a little off
not seem to be right–
Until eventually
one day
the lamp
and its base
completely took on a new form
and here he was
again
lying
on the ground
no wife
no children
no sweet faces to kiss goodnight
and so
he was depressed
for 3 whole
years
realizing
then
that there is More
to this life
and others
we think we might
be living
just one
disconnect
and you lose
gain
all that you
thought
you
truly
only

had–

death

you texted so many times
complaining that you hadn’t heard
from your next door neighbor for days
I awoke to 77 or so texts between you
and our other sister
the worry in your voice
breaking through the tiny words on the screen
I told you to just
fucking call the cops
when it comes to things like that
there’s never time to worry
just time to act
and today
you told us
again
through text
that your neighbor is dead
Your fiancé
found him in a puddle of his
own vomit.
He had either overdosed
or just got sick
while he was
detoxing
41 years old
wife just left him.
he checked in
and checked out
of a rehab.
didn’t like its structure.
wanted to do things his way.
what was he thinking in his
last
final
moments
hovering over the bathroom sink
or maybe
falling in slow motion
onto the bathroom floor?
I hope that last sight or smell was somewhat
pleasurable
maybe that time you got a balloon
when you were 5 years old
flashed before you
or maybe it was one last final waft of
grandma’s cheesecake
before you hit the ground
before you took one
last
final
earthly
breath–

Do it together…

Wipe the crust from my eyes
and think of yours
hoping you will be better today
praying that this is just the beginning of a
new leap
and you will come out all the
better
wiser
stronger
smarter
more lovely than ever
able to see how all the elements come into place
to do the simple things we do everyday
to come to me with your jacket and say, “let’s go out”
or finally pick up a pencil and “draw something”
and I will tell you how to do it
and we will do it
so lovingly
together–

Little peep.

You’re beginning to understand.
You have eyes for seeing and
Hands for touching
And a bunch of vocal cords for
Screaming your little head off when you don’t get what you want.
I see the clear, drippy boogers
Dripping from your nose
Drip
Drip
Drip
I wipe, wipe, wipe….
What did the book say again about getting you to calm
The frig
Down?
I try it all.
I think it’s working…
And then a soft lullaby
And some little o crackers
Munch munch munch
Then off to sleep.
I love you so much….
My little
Baby
Peep.