this morning

This morning I went to dunkin donuts.
Well, actually, I went to the pharmacy
because it is a fedex drop off site.
and while I was at the wrong address
I fancied going to a “new” dunkin donuts
one that I had never been to before.
I marveled at all the ice cream flavors
and containers of other delicious delights.
V and I waited on line for my
small latte with milk, one sugar.
I overheard the old man say,
well,
“He’s not a native new yorker…”
reminiscing on my own
verbiage
reminiscent of one-liners
I tend to say
embarrassed at the thought
of being too judgmental
too closed off
to let anything in.
and so,
we sat,
V and I…
she munching on her apple
me sipping on my drink.
and the next thing
(I don’t like to write about
the only reason I write
is to purge)
I eventually left with such a surge
of disappointment
listening to the locals
berate, and hate, and judge
transvestites
wondering
if my tall, skinny body
led them to have this narrow minded conversation
pummeling me back to my self delusional, self conscious
wrapped up memories
swimming, no–
drowning in my head
sneers and jeers
enveloping my Monday morning
with the little one
why?
am I always running away from myself?
running away from my past?
How long does it take to learn self-accceptance?
How long does the self-hatred last?
All I know is that at this juncture in my life
I will raise my daughter to be headstrong, and loving, and kind…
to let the caterpillars to continue to bloom
to let the meek and worrisome shine–
she will raise up the downtrodden
give the outsiders some time
to love themselves too,
and if she does not
that’s also fine–
can I fix my own demons in the child that’s mine?
I don’t really know, but at least I can try–

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