The Worst Person in the Whole Wide World

Thinking of you
At night
On army patterned bed sheets
Remembering awful times
Rolling on the mattress
and sitting on the floor
Begging for God
to release this ball and chain
And if I could just be granted this one time
Free
Just once
I promise to never do it again!

Except I did do it again and again and again
Somehow different
but all the same
Sitting again on the bed
in the middle of a man made circle
A mental prison
A psychological jail
I reached out to you
in utter loneliness
and terrorizing solitude
Abandonment issues, much?

I would lie on the bed
and purposefully
allow the black cat
to repeatedly pounce on me
in her animalistic
and quite frankly– infantile behavior
Scratching my lips
with her untrimmed claws–
Because I thought I deserved it
The external reflecting the internal
The terrible monster
The wicked girl
Really
the worst person
in the whole
wide
world–

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